just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
