The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
