my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
