as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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