She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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