I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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