well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize