omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I am one with the molecules
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
