Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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