I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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