I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
