I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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