dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
