Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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