It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
