All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
