I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
