I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
