I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
