Just fell off a train. Bad.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize