you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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