You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
