So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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