im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I skipped work to stalk him.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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