You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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