i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
