You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
