I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
