wanna go halves on a baby?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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