I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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