i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize