..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
