I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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