Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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