So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we're making bets on your personal life
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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