i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
