Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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