I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
