so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
