You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
