my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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