NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
