Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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