god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
