your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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