Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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