You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
