Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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