I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I FOUND THE LEGS
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
