That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
