Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
