So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
