Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
