i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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