just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
