Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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