If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
