i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
