I've blown a few things in my day
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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