I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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