ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
