Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
