Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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