apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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